This week, we had the amazing opportunity to hear from a
pastor known world wide for his outstanding advice as a marriage and family
counselor. Ted Cunningham, pastor of
Woodland Hills Family Church here in Branson shared with us a small glimpse of
his vision for young relationships. He
was gracious enough to give us all the gift of one of his novels, “Young and in
Love”. Although I have not yet started
reading it, after hearing a little Ted’s wisdom this week, it is definitely a
read I am looking forward to.
Ted began
by reading through several different passages in Ecclesiastes that helped us to
see the overall picture of this book.
It’s about our lives as humans; it’s a grind. Life is hard, and then you die. That’s all there really is to it. God has given us marriage to enjoy in the
midst of the grind. However, sometimes
marriages can even get stuck in the midst of the grind. Ted proposed 8 different symptoms of a
marriage that is stuck in the grind of life:
1)
You become co-dependent; we are meant to depend
wholly on Christ, not another person. We
can’t expect to receive the satisfaction we can only get from God through
another person. It just doesn’t work
that way.
2)
You begin to question your compatibility; but
remember, character trumps chemistry.
You don’t need a new mate to have fun again.
3)
You repeat mistakes and develop patterns; like
conflict resolution. If you are
consistently brushing conflict under the rug, you will never really solve any
conflict. Here’s a suggestion- TRY
SOMETHING NEW.
4)
You begin to rush decisions; basing bid
decisions on what just happened. Giving
in to impulse. Slow down and take time
to evaluate your emotions.
5)
You close your heart; it’s okay to guard you
heart, but don’t close it off completely.
Especially to your spouse. Think
through the messages written on your heart- the things that have been engraved
into your head from hearing them over and over again. You are 100% responsible for the way you
think and feel. Don’t blame it on
someone else!
6)
You isolate from others; you don’t want anyone
to see that you are maybe having some problems.
Lean on a biblical community.
There will be SOMEONE who understands what you’re going through. You are not alone.
7)
You begin to look for other options; you doubt
your commitment. Commitment is making
THE choice to give up all choices. What
does commitment mean to you?
Everyone falls in love with the front end of a puppy…but
remember- every puppy has a back end.
Where you think the grass looks greener, there’s probably a septic
leak. Stay home and water your own lawn
before giving up on it for something that looks easier.
Next, he talked to us about
parenting. (You’re probably thinking
“why would someone come in to talk to a bunch of 17-20 year-olds about marriage
and parenting for a week?” I’m not exactly sure either... but I’m sure it will
be a wonderful lesson to apply later in life!) Most problems in parenting come
because as children grow up and become adults, two things happen. Parents accelerate childhood milestones, and
prolong adolescence. We are given too
much privilege and not enough responsibility.
In doing so, we delay adulthood.
There are seven different types of problems in
parenting amongst ‘trophy parents’ or parents who take a little too much pride
in their children:
1)
Vanity parenting: using your child to impress
others. This is just a desire to show
that you have control over your child.
2)
Perfection parenting: wanting your kids to
achieve highly in all areas of their lives.
This will often cause slothfulness or rebellion among children.
3)
Competitive parenting: comparing your child to others. Especially in comparing their strengths to
other kids’ weaknesses. This can often times
occur amongst siblings.
4)
ROI parenting: return on investment; starting
kids on activities at a young age and expecting them to stick to it. Kids resent the things they are forced in
to.
5)
Rescue parenting: constantly wanting to bail the
child out of any bad situations; trying to help them avoid all loss, hurt,
failure, or disappointment in life.
These struggles are what help us to grow! (James 1)
6)
“Gifted” parenting: the idea that God has gifted
your child in some way that no other child is gifted in. All children bear the image of God. Don’t believe that they are any different
than any other child of God.
7)
Companion parenting: giving everything to the child instead of to
your spouse. The child cannot take the
place of your spouse.
American culture
as a whole has made it easier and easier to delay adulthood milestones. Things like leaving home, finishing school, getting
a job, getting married, and starting a family are taking place later and later
in the lives of adults today. We decide
to stay home to work or make money. We
never finish school because a higher level of education will secure us a better
job. We never get a job because we never
have a high enough education. We don’t
get married because w have taken independence and turned it in to an acceptable
way to be selfish, and we can’t commit enough to start a family.
In order to make
things a little more currently relevant to us as young adults, Ted talked about
the different levels of communications involved in relationships. There are six different levels to intimate
communication.
1)
Small talk- conversations you could have with
any random stranger. There is a risk
level of ZERO at this point. Well, if
arguments happen within small talk, there is a much deeper issue in someone’s
life.
2)
Facts-
exchanging information. This is where
men and women differ; men want to know enough to solve the issue, women want
every detail regardless of its relevancy.
3)
Opinions- the source of all escalated
argument. It’s okay to have differing
opinions, but you must know how to deal with these differences in a healthy
way.
This is where
conversations become intimate. Up until now, conversation has been head to
head. Now, it becomes heart to
heart.
4)
Feelings and emotions- learning to communicate
emotionally; recognizing what makes us tick, and WHY.
5)
Desires and needs- learning the difference
between what we want and what we need.
6)
Beliefs- where all of your feelings come from,
and where all intimacy takes place. This
is the true understanding of why people value the things they do. Maintain a sense of curiosity and
fascination, and don’t let duty and responsibility get in the way.
It’s okay to pace yourself; you
don’t have to get to level six right away.
Let it run its course. It will
come easily once trust has been developed.
There are two different ways to get to this ‘level six’ communication:
1)
L.U.V. talk: Listen, Understand, and
Validate. Listening fully, asking
questions to understand, and just showing your support of their feelings
through validation.
2)
“Drive thru listening”: going back and forth
until you truly understand what it is they are trying to say. Show them you are trying to understand what
they want to communicate to you.
In today’s culture, we have one
major stumbling block that inhibits our ability to communicate, and that is
social media. Our constant connectedness
to the Internet has put a major barrier in our relationships with other
people. Ted shared with us seven positive
and negative affects of social media on relationships:
1)
Self Definition: we define ourselves by how good
we look on the Internet; how many friends or followers we have. We can make ourselves look as good as we
want.
2)
Connection: this makes things easier for the
more reserved person to be more open. We
can keep in contact with people we may not have otherwise kept up with.
3)
Disconnected: it decreases our social
skills. We are less likely to meet face
to face. It decreases our empathy. We can confront issues through a screen
rather than actually having to face our problems.
4)
Distracted: we are distracted by social
networking every three and a half minutes.
We are always checking Facebook, instagram, twitter, or other sites on
our phones. Studies have proven that it
takes another 25 minutes to re-engage in what is going on around us.
5)
Obsession: we become Internet stalkers. We know too much about people without
actually taking time to get to know them personally.
6)
Exhaustion: we waste too much time. We are draining ourselves physically,
emotionally, and sometimes even spiritually.
We need to unplug.
7)
ADDICTION.
We are addicted to wasting time on the Internet. It takes precedence over things that are more
important, like intimate relationships with others, and GOD.
In order to overcome these inevitable
affects, we need to know who we are in Christ.
Not according to the Internet. We
need accountability to know that we are not wasting our times, or creating a
false sense of self. Also, we need to
make a conscious effort to unplug ourselves every once in a while to keep
social media from becoming an idol in our lives.
This week has taught me a lot
about what a healthy relationship will look like somewhere down the road. Hopefully you can make sense of my random ramblings! Thanks for reading!
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