Attachment Theory.

This week, we were blessed to get to hear from Dr. Joshua Straub.  He is an expert in counseling, and this week he took on the challenge of breaking down for us why we do what we do, believe what we believe and feel the way we feel.  Relationships can make or break your career, family, and any friendships you may develop.  For that reason, it is important to know your attachment and relationship style. 

We were made for relationships.  God describes himself as the Lover of our soul.  We seek love.  Secular research has proven that at as early as 3 years of age we seek a transcendental relationship with a god-type figure.  Ecclesiastes 3:11 states that God has put eternity our hearts.  Often times we base our relationship with God on obedience and goodness… but it’s not about our character; its about showing God’s.  

The idea of attachment theory is used to describe and categorize long-term relationships among people.  This could be romantic relationships as well as parent/child relationships and friendships.  However, our attachment style also greatly impacts your relationship with God.  Your attachment style is based on your ability to regulate emotions.  It’s important to have both strong negative and positive emotions, but it’s even more important to be able to regulate these emotions.  We must be able to answer the following three questions.  Is the world I’m living in a safe or dangerous place?  Can I count on my caregiver’s help in times of need?  Can I get the care I need when I need it?

We retain two distinctively different types of memories.  Implicit memories are those memories that do not require conscious attention.   From birth you can develop implicit memories, and you can add to these memories all throughout your lifetime.  Like tying your shoes for example.  Once you learn it, and practice it, it becomes natural.  These memories are not regulated by emotion.  On the other hand, explicit memories begin developing in the second year of life.  These memories require a sense of recollection, and a conscious effort for attention. 

To evaluate a relationship we must first as ourselves two questions… Am I worth? Am I capable?  Likewise, we must ask a few questions about the other person… Are you reliable?  Are you accessible?  Are you capable?  Are you willing?   These questions can determine whether we have negative or positive about ourselves or about the other person. 

With these responses, you can use the chart below to determine your relationship style.  

Each different type of attachment style demonstrates different character qualities.  The preoccupied, or anxious, attachment style often reflects a fear of abandonment.  The dismissive, or avoidant, attachment style reflects a problem with conflict resolution, or a tendency to feel smothered. The fearful attachment style is a combination of these two, in the negative aspect.  These people may have a strong fear of abandonment, yet lack skills to problem solve within conflict.  Oppositely, a secure attachment style is someone who is comfortable with whom he or she is as an individual.  They are capable of solving conflict, and also secure enough to be apart from their partner. 

These attachment styles play into our relationship with God.  Are you anxious about loosing intimacy with God?  Are you open to seeing the way he can use your life for his will?  Do you trust him?  Do you know that you are worthy of his love?  Examine your heart.   Don’t take suffering as a measure of how much God does or doesn’t love you.  Find joy in the suffering, knowing that it is intentional, and being used to build you up.  It is crucial to find security in God in order to find security in any other relationship. 

“Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.” – Ephesians 6:19-20